Today I was attacked by a rabid thirteen-year-old girl who was screaming my name,
Justin, through her braced chompers.

She caught me unaware so I had no choice but to defend myself by grabbing her by
her pigtails and giving her a quick and decisive Judo chop to the neck. Just as I was about
to deliver the coup de grace, I suddenly realized why this keeps happening to me on
an almost daily basis…your fans keep mistaking me for you!

Of course it’s understandable. Both of our names are Justin and we’re both musicians!
What a small world.

Then I realized in a sudden moment of horror – you must be having this exact same
problem…although I’m sure on a much more regular basis. For this I sincerely apologize.
To think that masses of my fans are swarming you just because they think you’re me
is well…actually…pretty good for you (now that I think of it) since I’m sure you can use
some publicity right now.

And I wanted to also let you know that for future instances, my last name is spelled “C-
A-L-D-W-E-L-L.” You can just sign it as “J. Caldwell” if you want. You don’t have to worry
about writing out the first name, so long as it’s consistent.

J. Caldwell

P.S. There are some things you should say “never” about. You’ll learn.

In need of a great birthday party idea?  I just happen to have one. I even tested it out for you recently in celebration of my 30th. It passed muster and held water…or in this case, displaced it to create the perfect party buoyancy.

Step 1: Find lake

Step 2: Rent large boat on lake

Step 3:Make sure said boat has a second deck and slide (this is crucial)

Step 4: Invite peoples…spend some time making the invite sound appealing…make sure you cover logistics such as transportation, where/when food is happening, what to bring…

Step 5: Target… water balloons, launchers, junk food

Step 6: Jello shots

Step 7: If it rains…more jello shots

That’s it really.  Here are some pics…

After a long but immensely enjoyable night playing a show with the band, we like to hang out while enjoying some fine adult beverages. These post-show moments are often when I come up with my best stuff, such as The Ballad of Jebediah Washington.

Lead singer: Rich Brinsfield (my bassist). Recorded this vocal in one take, mostly improvised.
Background Vocals: Me
Guitar: Rich and I

People always ask, “What comes first when writing a song; the lyrics or the music?”

And my answer is …“Yes”.

I imagine it’s the same for many songwriters, though I should only speak for myself. I suffer from Muchneed Stimulousis, and the prescription is variety.  I need to have 12 different ways to approach a song so that when I’m stumped (which is often…and don’t ever think it should be any different), I always have a method to help move me forward.

I try to make sure I have a track, chord progression, lyric, or melody that I’m totally SOLD on before moving forward.  Don’t need all, just one. If I’m playing around with something mediocre, I put it down and move on. If it’s iffy or I’m stumped about how to use an idea, I’ll record it on my iPhone or handheld recorder (for some reason I still love using a handheld recorder) and then move on. Maybe in a different state of mind I can figure out why the idea came to my head. This happens a lot, so don’t scrap iffies.

Sometimes I…

Find the lyrical hook
Start with a lyrical hook phrase I love, find out the rhythm and tempo that the syllables naturally sound best at and try to solidify a melody. If I like it enough, I press record. If I can’t, I play around with a groove that compliments that rhythm and tempo.

Find a chord progression
Play around with a chord progression (including tempo and rhythm it sounds best at) on my main instrument. If I like it enough, press record.

Find a beat
What better way to get inspired than making your pants jiggle? I’ve found that if you come up with a truly amazing drum/bass track, it’s hard to end up with an awful song. Still quite easy to make a mediocre one, though.

Get off your instrument
I’m a fumbly piano player at best, but getting off the guitar and onto the keys forces me to create lines and progressions I never would on the 6 string. Do it.

Play with sounds
For the same reason just stated above. Using synth, organ, ukulele, bass guitar, and aux percussion all get me outside the box I typically stay in with just my guitar.

Co-write
Because other people do have better ideas than you.

Jam
Jamming is kind of like co-writing, but more fun and with less pressure. I love getting with my drummer and bass player, and jamming on extremely rough ideas I have, or starting from nothing. Getting in front of someone else and creating is very inspiring. And other people often pick up on what you’re fiddling around with and add new ideas that lock in the good ones. Also, even though they say they don’t or can’t jam, if your musicians are any good at their instrument, they have amazing ideas floating around that would make great songs. Get them jamming, and they’ll show you without knowing it. It’s always good to trick your players.

Don’t trick your players
I was just joking about that. If you do it, you will be looking for new players and that sucks. Give them credit where credit is due. Bring them delicious fruit plates, cookies, or in my case Chic Fil A. My guys love Chick-Fil-A and they’ll do anything for it. I don’t think they read my blog, so I’m safe.

Listen/Learn other people’s music
My favorite artist, (& confessed man-crush) Sting, admitted to stealing artists’ chord progressions and other ideas from already successful songs. It’s not stealing when you make it your own…at least that’s what a good friend told me.

Walk with your phone off
Wow, do I do this a lot lately. When I sit for too long my thoughts become like a smelly catfish pond. For some reason, I come up with my best ideas when I’m driving. I would like to pass on the wisdom behind not writing down lyrics whilst driving, even if you have great leg steering-wheel control. Happy compromise? Make like an old person and take a walk. But turn your phone off for best results. Yes, it’s because of Words with Friends.

And there you go. There are 10 methods to the madness. Creativity is always available; it just needs to be…stroked? (Oh yeah, use a thesaurus)

Apparently, John Mayer and I have a couple of things in common.

One, we’re both drawn to remote places to write and make music. Turns out he’s been in the wilds of Montana for a couple of years, living life like Christopher McCandless (at least that’s kind of what I envision). When I go out into the wild, I get a lot of work done. (Then again, sometimes I go crazy. )

But he re-emerged back into civilization the only way a modern man can, with an appearance on Ellen, wearing a hat that seems like the kind of hat one would wear in Montana…because no one else is around to give you the benefit of a second opinion.

Secondly, he and I are both an appreciator of fine whiskey, as one of his songs (below) on his new album, Born and Raised, demonstrates.

Cheers to your reemergence, John.

I’m not famous. However, I would debate that what I have is much better.

Mini Fame.

Mini fame is the reality of many independent artists, and the results are quite exciting. Screw being recognizable everywhere you go. It’s way more fun to have no idea what your fame status is from one city to the next.

When I play colleges, I never have any idea if I’ll show up to fanfare or crickets. (Can’t wait for the day I show up to crickets playing fanfare. That’s when I know I’ve made it) Small colleges are the best…probably because they don’t get many performers. The big schools are spoiled with excess, but at the small ones word spreads fast, and everyone enthusiastically shows up. A lovely hype ensues, and I’m always surprised by the sentiment.

“Should I act like I’m famous? But what if they figure out that I’m not…then I would just look dumb. Maybe I can ask for a free cookie?”

“See that yellow show flier on the wall over there? Yea, that’s me. Where did you get that picture, though?  I swear I’ve never shown that picture to anyone. No cookie? It’s cool.”

Sometimes I get a cookie, sometimes I don’t. And that’s always the surprise of having mini-fame.

I recently had my first sale in Denmark…I mean Germany. I thought it was Denmark, because I saw the country code “DE”. Quickly assuming it wasn’t the country of Dibbi-fubbi-Ezzaria, namely because there is no such country named that, I then surmised it must be Denmark. Only later did I find out that “DE” is actually the country code for Germany…I think. I’m still a little confused per my post-Googling. (Side note: maybe it’s just me but when I can’t find an answer on Google, I find myself questioning if the answer exists anywhere in the universe.)

Regardless, I thank you, you patron of Monheim am Rhein. You dweller of a city I had to look up. I’ve never even sniffed your country and you found me. I hide in my own city, and you’ve listened to (or at least liked the cover art enough to purchase) my musings. I can’t help but wonder what he/she thinks of his/her recent purchase. I would ask for comments back if I could, but I’m afraid I might get back words like Niederschlagswahrscheinlichkeit or Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung. (I’m betting these words also serve as sobriety tests. If you can say it just once and halfway decent, you’re sober. But, say it perfectly…and you’re drunk.

Now I’m wondering if Germany digs my brand of music. Do they listen to it wearing interesting hats with bright plumage stuck in the brim? Do they call it their “listening gear?” Does my music have it’s own dance? Do they gather around, hold hands and dance a jaunty little step that involves mugs sloshing with beer and a unicycle?

These are the questions I ask myself. And for them, Google has no answer.

It’s that time again. That time about once every couple weeks when constantly hashing out lyrics causes words and phrases to fire aimlessly throughout my brain, like a fat ADD kid in a wind tunnel of candy corn. In that moment I must change gears or risk swallowing my brain tongue (the metaphysical choking on the brain area associated with speech and language causing word dissociation and the spiritual gift of gab…this is a real thing, ya’ll).

Thus, welcome to my tangent….and the 4th installment of my ongoing series “Letters to Rock Stars” (catch the first 3 here).  One of my good friends and college buddies performs with this rock star trio, and happens to be married to one of them. I’ll let you guess which one…

I’ve written two letters and whichever gets the most responses (positive or negative) is the one I shall send…

Dear Lady Antebellum,

Wow, you have truly inspired me. Yes, you’re talented and make wonderful music, but what impresses me most about you is the fact that you’re a trio. Trios are amazing because they only exist to join forces and fight a common enemy. So you’re kinda like the Avengers. The Avengers are a trio, except they have a trio of five.  Or like Ben Folds Five…except they’re only three.

I picture the three of you, combining into one single giant Civil War Scarlett O’Hara dress, becoming the all powerful and giant Lady Antebellum, crushing buildings and flipping cars as you descend upon the street of Nashville to entertain people.

I’m thinking of forming a trio myself. But with my trio it will be important that I take lead vocals all of the time, and I’m quite fond of singing my own background vocals.  And I really enjoy playing all of the instruments. So really I need a trio with 2 people who could stand behind me. Maybe they could dance or use Braille to sign the lyrics I write. I’m not really sure, as long as they don’t distract too much.  Oh yea…and can I borrow your husband, Chris…I hear he’s excellent at dog sitting and happens to play the drums.

Accepting your advice on band names,

J. Caldwell

Dear Lady Antebellum,

I’m loving your song, American Honey. I feel not enough Americans know about honey. I love the look of surprise on every strangers face when I tell them, or shout it out, that honey does indeed come from bees!

In honor of your song, I’ll be attending one of your upcoming concerts completely dipped in honey. I’ll also be sure to delight fellow fans with my favorite honey accessory, the famous Justin Caldwell Bee Beard. My Bee Beard consists of 10,000 honeybees gently nesting on the lower half of my face, giving myself a beard that is the envy of every hipster.

While you may think this a sticky situation (pardon my “honey” humor) I can assure you that it is not! My bees are generally calm, as long as there are no loud noises to startle them. Also, it’s possible that a few Africanized (or as you may know them “killer bees”) have mixed in with the group, but I refuse to let a few bad apples spoil our fun!  My Bees and I are ready to sit on the front row, making sure they get as close as possible to all of you!

Stay Sweet,

J. Caldwell

P.S. I hope this doesn’t get me uninvited to any future bar-b-ques

This track was written early one morning amidst my friend Eleonore getting her car stuck on a rock. The night before, whiskey was had and we all slept on couches. Eleonore got up before everyone and promptly drove her Honda atop a rock in my yard. AAA yanked her down. Rich Brinsfield leads the song with his silky smooth vocals. If you’d like to give this song a new home on your iPod, click the arrow on the right side of the player and it’ll start the automatic download.

Lead Singer: Rich (my bassist)
Background Vocals: Me
Guitar: Me and Rich
Synth Trumpet: Me