It’s that time again. That time about once every couple weeks when constantly hashing out lyrics causes words and phrases to fire aimlessly throughout my brain, like a fat ADD kid in a wind tunnel of candy corn. In that moment I must change gears or risk swallowing my brain tongue (the metaphysical choking on the brain area associated with speech and language causing word dissociation and the spiritual gift of gab…this is a real thing, ya’ll).
Thus, welcome to my tangent….and the 4th installment of my ongoing series “Letters to Rock Stars” (catch the first 3 here). One of my good friends and college buddies performs with this rock star trio, and happens to be married to one of them. I’ll let you guess which one…
I’ve written two letters and whichever gets the most responses (positive or negative) is the one I shall send…
Dear Lady Antebellum,
Wow, you have truly inspired me. Yes, you’re talented and make wonderful music, but what impresses me most about you is the fact that you’re a trio. Trios are amazing because they only exist to join forces and fight a common enemy. So you’re kinda like the Avengers. The Avengers are a trio, except they have a trio of five. Or like Ben Folds Five…except they’re only three.
I picture the three of you, combining into one single giant Civil War Scarlett O’Hara dress, becoming the all powerful and giant Lady Antebellum, crushing buildings and flipping cars as you descend upon the street of Nashville to entertain people.
I’m thinking of forming a trio myself. But with my trio it will be important that I take lead vocals all of the time, and I’m quite fond of singing my own background vocals. And I really enjoy playing all of the instruments. So really I need a trio with 2 people who could stand behind me. Maybe they could dance or use Braille to sign the lyrics I write. I’m not really sure, as long as they don’t distract too much. Oh yea…and can I borrow your husband, Chris…I hear he’s excellent at dog sitting and happens to play the drums.
Accepting your advice on band names,
Dear Lady Antebellum,
I’m loving your song, American Honey. I feel not enough Americans know about honey. I love the look of surprise on every strangers face when I tell them, or shout it out, that honey does indeed come from bees!
In honor of your song, I’ll be attending one of your upcoming concerts completely dipped in honey. I’ll also be sure to delight fellow fans with my favorite honey accessory, the famous Justin Caldwell Bee Beard. My Bee Beard consists of 10,000 honeybees gently nesting on the lower half of my face, giving myself a beard that is the envy of every hipster.
While you may think this a sticky situation (pardon my “honey” humor) I can assure you that it is not! My bees are generally calm, as long as there are no loud noises to startle them. Also, it’s possible that a few Africanized (or as you may know them “killer bees”) have mixed in with the group, but I refuse to let a few bad apples spoil our fun! My Bees and I are ready to sit on the front row, making sure they get as close as possible to all of you!
P.S. I hope this doesn’t get me uninvited to any future bar-b-ques